From a Wall Street Journal column by Joe Queenan headlined “The Many Reasons Not to Own a Dog”:

For as long as I can remember, friends and family members have been encouraging me to get a dog. Their motives are deeply suspect. I think they want me to get a dog mostly so that I will have mastered the arcane skills needed to walk their dogs while they are on vacation. But I was not put on this planet to walk dogs, and this is a situation that is never going to change.