From the Onion: Americans Explain Why They Refuse to Return to the Office

Shariq Khan (Software Engineer)

“I like the freedom of choosing where to be miserable from.”

Mike O’Neil (Software Engineer)

“I can dick around for seven and a half hours and do actual work for the last 30 minutes of my shift no matter where I am.”

Susan Driscoll (Publicist)

“I dressed up a mannequin and sat her at my desk in, like, 2018. No one has noticed yet, so I doubt they’ll start now.”

Nolan Sheppard (Sales Rep)

“I forgot where our office building is, and I’m too afraid to ask.”

Doug Pasternak (Stockbroker)

“Turns out my kids are actually pretty cool once you get to know them.”

George Buchanan (Banker)

“Going to work is for poor people.”

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