McSweeney’s Makes Fun of the Omicron Policies of Schools

From a story on by Kara Baskin headlined “A Note of Reassurance From Your School District Regarding Our Updated Omicron Policies”:

Dear Parents,

Hope you had a wonderful, relaxing break with family and friends. We’re delighted to welcome you back to school as we celebrate a return to normalcy. We want to assure you that schools are open, safe, and operating completely as usual. However, we did want to alert you to some policy changes to ensure a robust learning environment for all!

Your child’s classroom will have no teachers. Understandably, many of our educators have been reluctant to return to school, with COVID cases and hospitalizations reaching an all-time high and emergency rooms on the brink of collapse.

We want to reassure you that our approach is pedagogically sound and has been studied in-depth by our wonderful homebound college interns over the past four days. We are eager to offer them a timely learning opportunity while also supporting the higher-ed community.

Depending on age and local funding, your child’s classroom will be staffed by:

  • A small robot with lifelike emotions on loan from NASA
  • YouTube and TikTok (please refer to our “Healthy Social Media Policy” on page 391 of the school handbook for an FAQ)
  • Reruns of Disney’s Bunk’d
  • A local middle-school student who is on the tail-end of quarantining

This strategy will allow us to keep schools operational and enriching. Feel free to contact us with any specific questions.

Your child should report to school no matter what. Remember that kids really should be in school because, at this point, everyone will get COVID anyway. Moreover, due to the unavailability of home tests and the fact that the nearest PCR drive-thru test is in Norway (email us for more info), this is the most expedient route. Please follow these easy steps every morning….

Note: Link to the rest of the story at McSweeney’s.


Speak Your Mind