Scenes from Maureen Dowd’s conversation with “Larry David, Master of His Quarantine” in the New York Times:
The crane-like Mr. David, in a dark blue Zegna pullover, rust-colored pants and sneakers, is sporting a scruffy beard. “Any facial hair is very beneficial for the bald man,” he said. “It really enhances the bald man’s appearance.”. . .
When I ask if he is hoarding anything, he is outraged. “Not a hoarder,” he said. “In fact, in a few months, if I walk into someone’s house and stumble onto 50 rolls of toilet paper in a closet somewhere, I will end the friendship. It’s tantamount to being a horse thief in the Old West.”
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Though, at 72, Mr. David does seem more comfortable in his skin. His outlook used to be so dark that Mr. Charles, one of the original writers of “Seinfeld,” said that if he thought he could get away with it, Mr. David would have put out contracts to kill people.
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Mr. David and daughter Cazzie. . . are both lifelong germophobes. “This might be the only thing I’ve ever agreed with Trump about, we should put an end to the shake,” Mr. David said. “You know, we might as well end intercourse while we’re at it. That’s always been a lot of trouble.”
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Now that Mr. David can’t go out and argue with friends, neighbors, strangers and staffers over stuff like whether he can clean his glasses on a woman’s blouse or the regulation shape for a putter, he must do his bickering inside his own home.“There’s not a moment in the day when there isn’t friction between at least two of us,” he said of the trapped troika. “Then when that gets resolved, two others are at each other’s throats and it’s invariably about dishes. ‘You didn’t do the dishes!’ Or ‘You didn’t help with the dishes!’ I think that is being screamed all over the world now.
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“He’s super against any self-pity. He thinks it’s the most disgusting thing in the world. So there’s no wallowing allowed, even when we were growing up. In the house, you’re not allowed to feel bad about yourself or be depressed. He just has no sympathy for it. So if you’re depressed or feeling bad about something, he’ll just tell you to take a shower. That’s like his cure for mental stress. And if it doesn’t work, he’ll be like, ‘Just take another one.’”
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Mr. David ventures out for solo walks in the deserted neighborhood. “I cross the street when I see someone coming, like I used to do when I was a kid in Brooklyn and the Italian kids would shake me down for change,” he said. “And when someone crosses first, I know I shouldn’t take it personally but I can’t help it. How dare they?”
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There is another positive, which I point out to the antisocial Mr. David: Social life has skidded to a halt. “I will say that the lack of invitations, OK, that’s been fantastic,” he agreed. “Yeah, that I love. You don’t have to make up any excuses.”
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Mr. David was stunned when President Trump retweeted a scene from the episode where Larry wears a MAGA hat to get out of commitments in liberal Hollywood, and ends up using it to assuage a Trumpster on a motorcycle with road rage. Mr. Trump tweeted a clip of the fight with the motorcycle guy with the message: “TOUGH GUYS FOR TRUMP!”
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When we speak about the president, Mr. David marveled, “You know, it’s an amazing thing. The man has not one redeeming quality. You could take some of the worst dictators in history and I’m sure that all of them, you could find one decent quality. Stalin could have had one decent quality, we don’t know!”. . .Does he ever think Trump can be funny?
“He’s like a bad Catskills comic,” Mr. David replied.
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I told Mr. David I disagree with his remarks in the past that people don’t like to see neurotic single guys or older guys onscreen after a certain age. I could watch “Curb” ad infinitum.“I can only think about when Buster Keaton got old,” he said. “I don’t know, he was such a great comedian and then he just — you didn’t want to see him. Even old people don’t want to watch old people.”
It was time for Mr. David to hang up. He had to get back to doing nothing.
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