Is Donald Trump Just Channeling Cliff Clavin?

By Jack Limpert


Cheers regular Cliff Clavin often said surprising and inaccurate things.

I worked my way through the University of Wisconsin as a bartender at everything from country clubs to singles bars to one place in Madison where the bar, at a place called the Roman Village, was busy in the late afternoon with men who had just gotten off work at Graybar Electric across the street. Many were over 50, a little fat, a little bald, their best years behind them.

There was not much talk of what the newspapers were saying, some talk of what was on TV, a lot of talk about women and what was wrong with the world. Madison was dominated by the university and state government and the factory-type guys didn’t see the world at all the way most others in Madison did.

In the television show Cheers, set in Boston, John Ratzenberger portrays Cliff Clavin, a Cheers regular who would have fit right in at the bar in Madison. Other Cheers regulars included Sam Malone, the bar owner played by Ted Danson; Diane Chambers, a woman too educated to be a waitress, played by Shelley Long; beer-loving Norm, played by George Wendt; Dr. Frasier Crane, played by Kelsey Grammer; Coach, played by Nicolas Colasanto; and Carla, the wisecracking waitress played by Rhea Pearlman.

See if you recognize Donald Trump in any of these scenes:

Cliff: I have impossibly high standards for a woman.
Norm: Yeah, she has to like you.

Norm: You know, Cliffie, these are all on my way home [holding mail to be delivered]. Let me drop these off for you, Cliffie. I gotta go home anyway.
Cliff: Naw, Norm. You’re not trained. You’re not qualified.
Norm: What qualified? You drop them in a slot. A chimp could do it.
Cliff: No way. They did a study at the University of Michigan. The chimps were 32 percent slower. Yeah, yeah, yeah, they were better with customer relations and everything, but…

Cliff: Holy guacamole. Terre hauttie Indiana. I wouldn’t throw her out of my bed for eating crackers.
Norm: Why else would she be there?

Cliff : The original rites of passage started with the jungle tribes down there in Borneo.
Norm: Yeah?
Cliff: When the young  jungle tribal lad was on the brink of puberty, they’d bring him forward and take out this large sharpened clam shell…
Sam: Oh, no, no, no don’t tell me…
Cliff: …they would fill it with dip, pass it around with the hors d’oeuvres…
Sam: Oh.
Cliff: …then they’d take these two big jagged rocks in there…
Norm: Cliffy, Cliff, Cliff…
Cliff: …and bang them together to call in the tribes out of the hills, you know. Then the witch doctor stepped up with this long sharpened bamboo staff…
Sam: Oh, here it comes.
Cliff: …and shoved it into the ground, hung a flag on it and they danced around it, pretty much, until they dropped, really.
Sam: Oh, wait… When do they circumcize the kid?
Cliff: What do you mean circumsize? There are no Jews in Borneo, you moolyak.

Cliff: What a pathetic display. I’m ashamed God made me a man.
Carla: I don’t think God’s doing a lot of bragging either.

Cliff: You know Rebecca, I don’t know why you’re so concerned about your figure. You know, back in the Renaissance times, full figured women were revered.
Norm: Get out.
Cliff: It’s true. Yeah, yeah, artists would only paint big, voluptuous women. In fact, that’s how they got rid of a lot of their old paint.

Wade Boggs: Hi, I’m Wade Boggs.
Norm: Yeah, pal, and I’m Babe Ruth.
Cliff: And I’m Dizzy Dean.

Norm: Hey Cliffy. Whatcha doing?
Cliff: I’m filling out an application for the Boston Marathon. It’s something I do every year.
Norm: What, you mean you run in the Boston Marathon?
Cliff: No, no, I just get the free T-shirt. It impresses the girls down in the gym.
Norm: Ah. Wait, wait, wait. You work out in a gym?
Cliff: Nah. I just hang out in front with the T-shirt.

Cliff: Is this me or is this getting a little weird?
Carla: You passed weird six months ago.

Cliff: It’s a genetic quirk in the Clavin family that we all have two extra teeth. You see, that’s the only way that we can prove that we are the rightful heirs to the Russian throne.
Dr. Crane: Hello in there, Cliff. Tell me, what color is the sky in your world?

Cliff: Did I ever tell you kids about the first Thanksgiving? It took place between the ancient Egyptians and aliens from a distant galaxy.

Cliff: You see, if you go back in history and take every president, you’ll find that the numerical value of each letter in their last name was equally divisible into the year in which they were elected.
Paul: So who’s going to win, Cliff? Reagan again?
Norm: What, Mondale?
Cliff: No, no, not a chance. You see, I figured it out. By my calculations, the next president has to be named Yelnik McWawa.

Cliff: Hey Doc, what do you think the toughest thing to cut through is?
Dr. Crane: Your unending bull.

Cliff: Everyone in the Swiss Army owns a Swiss Army Knife. That’s why no one messes with Switzerland.
And as life imitates art, John Ratzenberger, a.k.a. Cliff Clavin, has endorsed Donald Trump’s candidacy to be President of the United States.


  1. Ron cohen says

    Jack, this is hilarious, you’ve made my day!

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